Saturday, January 3, 2009

There is definition.

I sat and looked into his eyes and I was immediately captivated. There is something about his soul and how different it is from my own that is magnetic. (Even though you might think that it would be more akin to the repellent poles.) I watched his mouth move, uttering inane strings of words; the genuine, raucous laughs repeatedly made their escape from my mouth. Sitting in the moment, I wished for nothing more. Why did it feel so good? To be appreciated and to appreciate him? I can't say I wanted him to leave, so when we said our goodbyes it was far too soon, even at 3am.

In my mind, which thrives on logic and order and sense, I was jotting a 5 page list of all the reasons it would never work. I'm moving to Australia. I'm moving to Australia. I'm moving to Australia. Also, I think he has a girlfriend? (Facebook tells all.) This is mere infatuation. Is there a basis for the attraction, beyond the obvious? Questions and more questions lined up, each waiting their turn to be translated onto that list. 

There's also the obvious: his attention seems fleeting.

It felt absurd to have her whisper to me later, "I think he likes you. He keeps finding you whenever you walk away." It didn't seem that way in my mind, but I always tend to question whether the guys I find interesting actually like me. I am quite cautious about letting those thoughts prance through my head. I am certain it has everything to do with expectations increasing and potentials for disappointment.

I have to admit to you, my reader, the truth is that whether or not I might actively acknowledge those words in my head, my heart has already written scrolls upon scrolls about this infatuation. It rarely has the chance, in my days, to be as introspective as the dominate head - but today is her lucky day. She'll keep her secret as long as possible, until the truth is too obvious to ignore anymore.

And the days go by and I think of him sometimes. On my lucky days, like today, I get to see him. Sometimes I keep my distance, saying only hello and goodbye. Other days, I gather his undivided attention close and relish the time spent in our friendship. It must be the heart and the head jousting within for the throne. It makes me smile. I have always enjoyed their tournaments... even though the victor is not always who I support.

Even so, they are both me. So I do always win. This is good for my competitive spirit. (Wait, maybe it's not. I am not adept at losing and this does nothing to mold me?)

I am intrigued to see how this plays out the rest of my time in Orlando. I just realized that I am looking forward to it because it IS black and white. Does that sound strange to you? But there IS definition: I leave in less than 30 days. There is no long-term commitment. It is easy to let it come, let it go. I think. Yes, I will miss him when I am gone, should we become more intimate in our friendship.

But the truth is that long-term allows for, no, demands, vulnerability. 

That thought scares me.

Wednesday, December 31, 2008

2008. An interesting year. I was reading the back of a bookmark Kate/Jenna gave me last year, and it said "JINK 2007!"

I did a double-take because it seems like so much longer ago than last year that we were reading the Jesus I Never Knew and hanging out at the Ghetto Fab house. 

This home was a new addition to my life in 2008. Tiffany and I moved in November 2007 and were just really getting to know each other on a deeper level. We had a constant stream of people in and out of the house. Our sphere, based on Yancey's Disappointment with God, launched in mid-January, I believe. I met Leslie (current roommate), Melissa (of the infamous MJ), Chris Slankard, and several other lovely people. I also got to know several acquaintances better. The conversations launched by the sphere were PHENOMENAL. Theology + emotion + life + bitterness + love + freedom + God = Amazingness. I am so thankful for the 4-5 months I had with this group.

February launched my heart into its current restless state. I visited Drew Harris in Nashville with Tiffany and Susan. I LOVED that city so much and instantly decided to try to move there.It wasn't realistic until at least summer, due to prior commitments, but my heart was set. Quite clearly, it didn't work out. I tried and tried, but it never became easy and I never left Orlando. My heart just wouldn't stop thinking of leaving, though.

In March I went with my mom to Europe: Spain and Italy. I had longed to go to these two countries for so long, and my heart found much joy in them. Spain, with its tapas and siestas, was stunning. I do believe Barcelona was my favorite, and Gaudi's architecture (specifically La Sagrada Familia) BLEW me away. I don't know any other architects by name, but I am certain he would always remain mon prefere. Italy was really fantastic. I was entranced by the language of these beautiful people. I would love to live there someday.

April threw me a huge birthday party (which showed me just how introverted I can be) and another trip to Nashville.

May found Leslie moving in. I still smile at how God worked that out so perfectly with the timing and the way it all went down. Our sphere ended and it was sad.

June was our infamous trip to Miami. We had so much fun. There are so many quotes from that weekend that I can't even begin to remember them all. It was the first time I had done South Beach as it's meant to be done: without a price tag. Luckily, it wasn't my dime, either. We went to the Mansion and it was crazy to pay $400 for a table/bottle and realize that it wasn't VIP - it was 'average'. Miami is a different world. 

Also in June, we decided to go to see One Republic in concert. I realize that many people think they are overplayed or just average, but in concert I found them to be captivating. Melissa ended up going to the concert with us (I think her friend wasn't able to go) and thus began an interesting friendship, to say the least. 

July and August passed too quickly. July found us at some really fun and random parties. Two, specifically, stand out: Roby's Black & White Party and Chase/Dustin's going away party. Weird things happened. We danced until we looked like we had just showered. Funny, funny, funny quotes arose. Melissa's first freestyle, at least that we were witness to. We also celebrated Tiffany's birthday (Plus Faye's arrival) for at least 4 days. It rained and rained and rained and rained, and yet we continually went out every night for more fun. I invented the JC Drizzle, a drink named after myself of course, and it lives on in infamy.

It was some time in the midst of these months that our two week trip to Australia turned into a one-way ticket. One of us had a bad day at work, and the other's AIM response was, "Screw it, let's book a one-way ticket and quit our jobs."

Little did we know it would become a reality in just a few short months. 

September found Leslie, Melissa and I walking up to the Hard Rock, crashing the pool to watch Shrek 2 or 3 under the stars. At some point during the stroll, Melissa and I inadvertently, half-heartedly planned two additional trips - New York City and Seattle. Odd to think we were planning to do this much considering we were supposed to be saving for Oz. Those trips also turned into reality. 

October. This month in itself seems like it took a year to pass. We did SO much, and I remember maybe 1/8 of it. There was a Saturday that I never stopped running: MUSE theology, volunteering at Give Kids the World, then partying at Jen Gilanfarr's house for Jahred Schmidt's fundraiser. I remember halfway dreading the day because of everything to be done, but it was a BLAST. Schmidt cracks me up and my heart is happy he's returned. Our halloween party found us dressed up as the characters for Clue. Any time I have 30+ people in my home, laughing and having a good time, S'mores and fire in the backyard, I just can't do anything but smile. There was an underlying uneasiness for me that night, for reasons I shan't admit, but it was a fun night regardless. Then, we found ourselves in Seattle for the weekend of Halloween -Shelby, Mel and myself. It was fun. It rained the whole freakin' time, but it didn't matter. I scored an awesome pair of flat black boots from Old Navy and it made walking in the rain a breeze. I would live in Seattle, especially during the summer.

November went by entirely too fast. Life seems to do that every day. Some days, I am very grateful, while others, I never want that day to end. November took Mel and me to NYC. We happened to be so incredibly lucky that Carolina was in NYC at the same time! Sadly, Walter left a few days before we arrived. We did some touristy stuff with Carolina and her friends and saw Chicago. Amazing. I am not a huge theatre buff, but that show was really intriguing. We went to Justin Timberlake's restaurant, after a fight about how much I don't like Asian food. Well, not really a fight, but it was funny. Do not force me to eat Asian food. Sadly, we had no idea that at the same exact time we were drinking Sweet Tea in Manhattan (who knew?!) JT was on SNL. What I would have given to be in that audience while he was prancing around in a leotard and heels. Geez. 

During this same month, we celebrated Mel's birthday. S'mores. This had to be the 5th time I've had them this year. I don't think I've had them 5 times in my life before this year. We played the Paper game (AKA Pass the Paper Pookie) and I was endlessly entertained. I set up a grid fire (Thanks to Sonny's incredible expertise and coaching) that was highly doubted. Those doubters became believers, let me tell you.

The worst part about November was that I lost a friend that I cared greatly about. I look back at it, and I still don't know how it happened. Logic and words refuse to combine into an explanation. I still grieve that friendship, but I think it may be in the morgue. If you read this, all I have to say is that I miss you more than you can imagine if you spent every minute of every day thinking about it. But, people choose to march out of your life when they are ready, and there's nothing you can do to stop them. 

Alas, we are to December. I forget everything I've done this month. I celebrated BK's 21st birthday with him - I love BK very much. We've been good friends ever since our road trip to Atlanta last Thanksgiving and I'm grateful for him. That same night I learned more about Myers Brigg from Walter than I ever thought I'd know. Sonny dropped theology bombs on me and my questions while Melissa attacked him and BK's canvas gift with her mad martial arts skills. I got in a fight with another of my best friends because of miscommunication and misunderstandings. We are resolving and I love her very much as well. I came to realize just how hard it is going to be to leave Orlando at the end of January. I'm very excited about my trip to Australia, but departing my community is a scary thought. Last night saw Jahred's return and a lovely winter (if you could call it that) evening on Kate's porch. I sat in the corner wrapped in a blanket and could come up with absolutely no better way to spend a Tuesday night. Tonight is going to be fantastic - coming into 2009 with a vengeance at Walter's amongst a million friends and family. We're gonna burn stuff. But don't you worry, we won't burn the house down: Walter has made sure of that.

Alecia: I have a lot of little memories of you, like wine under the stars over on Universal grounds, snappy UF comments every now and then (specifically a horrible weekend in October), hilarious FB references/arguments, etc. You're freaking fun. 

For all of the rest of you I didn't specifically mention, I love you, too. I hope to see you tonight. If you even made it this far. It was a LONG year.

Monday, December 29, 2008

the wind alone can whisper them back to you

the fire burned brightly
as the lighter lit
and relit
flames licking the lined paper

pages and pages of writings
of secrets and honest emotions
(contained in bold block letters for emphasis)

forced to repeatedly blow it out
so that it would not also destroy
the feelings i wanted to keep
those i may still choose to let see the light of day
and the pupils of your eyes

pieces of me were carried away amongst the ashes
but to be frank
at least part of me
took flight weeks ago
beneath a beautiful orange and pink sky
a fitting tribute:
the twilight afire during the continuous battle
of daylight and night

tragically radiant.

About Me

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I live amongst the dragons and the warriors of the 21st century. I surround myself with both the peasants, the aristocrats; the knights and the maidens. For a long time (now quite in the past), I wove the structure of my life around the mold others saw for me. I've since learned to live for God and myself. Freedom comes and goes as I remember this lesson of mine. But my life is MY life: a series of events and remembering such. And this, this beautiful montage, is why I wake up every morning. God willing.