Wednesday, December 31, 2008

2008. An interesting year. I was reading the back of a bookmark Kate/Jenna gave me last year, and it said "JINK 2007!"

I did a double-take because it seems like so much longer ago than last year that we were reading the Jesus I Never Knew and hanging out at the Ghetto Fab house. 

This home was a new addition to my life in 2008. Tiffany and I moved in November 2007 and were just really getting to know each other on a deeper level. We had a constant stream of people in and out of the house. Our sphere, based on Yancey's Disappointment with God, launched in mid-January, I believe. I met Leslie (current roommate), Melissa (of the infamous MJ), Chris Slankard, and several other lovely people. I also got to know several acquaintances better. The conversations launched by the sphere were PHENOMENAL. Theology + emotion + life + bitterness + love + freedom + God = Amazingness. I am so thankful for the 4-5 months I had with this group.

February launched my heart into its current restless state. I visited Drew Harris in Nashville with Tiffany and Susan. I LOVED that city so much and instantly decided to try to move there.It wasn't realistic until at least summer, due to prior commitments, but my heart was set. Quite clearly, it didn't work out. I tried and tried, but it never became easy and I never left Orlando. My heart just wouldn't stop thinking of leaving, though.

In March I went with my mom to Europe: Spain and Italy. I had longed to go to these two countries for so long, and my heart found much joy in them. Spain, with its tapas and siestas, was stunning. I do believe Barcelona was my favorite, and Gaudi's architecture (specifically La Sagrada Familia) BLEW me away. I don't know any other architects by name, but I am certain he would always remain mon prefere. Italy was really fantastic. I was entranced by the language of these beautiful people. I would love to live there someday.

April threw me a huge birthday party (which showed me just how introverted I can be) and another trip to Nashville.

May found Leslie moving in. I still smile at how God worked that out so perfectly with the timing and the way it all went down. Our sphere ended and it was sad.

June was our infamous trip to Miami. We had so much fun. There are so many quotes from that weekend that I can't even begin to remember them all. It was the first time I had done South Beach as it's meant to be done: without a price tag. Luckily, it wasn't my dime, either. We went to the Mansion and it was crazy to pay $400 for a table/bottle and realize that it wasn't VIP - it was 'average'. Miami is a different world. 

Also in June, we decided to go to see One Republic in concert. I realize that many people think they are overplayed or just average, but in concert I found them to be captivating. Melissa ended up going to the concert with us (I think her friend wasn't able to go) and thus began an interesting friendship, to say the least. 

July and August passed too quickly. July found us at some really fun and random parties. Two, specifically, stand out: Roby's Black & White Party and Chase/Dustin's going away party. Weird things happened. We danced until we looked like we had just showered. Funny, funny, funny quotes arose. Melissa's first freestyle, at least that we were witness to. We also celebrated Tiffany's birthday (Plus Faye's arrival) for at least 4 days. It rained and rained and rained and rained, and yet we continually went out every night for more fun. I invented the JC Drizzle, a drink named after myself of course, and it lives on in infamy.

It was some time in the midst of these months that our two week trip to Australia turned into a one-way ticket. One of us had a bad day at work, and the other's AIM response was, "Screw it, let's book a one-way ticket and quit our jobs."

Little did we know it would become a reality in just a few short months. 

September found Leslie, Melissa and I walking up to the Hard Rock, crashing the pool to watch Shrek 2 or 3 under the stars. At some point during the stroll, Melissa and I inadvertently, half-heartedly planned two additional trips - New York City and Seattle. Odd to think we were planning to do this much considering we were supposed to be saving for Oz. Those trips also turned into reality. 

October. This month in itself seems like it took a year to pass. We did SO much, and I remember maybe 1/8 of it. There was a Saturday that I never stopped running: MUSE theology, volunteering at Give Kids the World, then partying at Jen Gilanfarr's house for Jahred Schmidt's fundraiser. I remember halfway dreading the day because of everything to be done, but it was a BLAST. Schmidt cracks me up and my heart is happy he's returned. Our halloween party found us dressed up as the characters for Clue. Any time I have 30+ people in my home, laughing and having a good time, S'mores and fire in the backyard, I just can't do anything but smile. There was an underlying uneasiness for me that night, for reasons I shan't admit, but it was a fun night regardless. Then, we found ourselves in Seattle for the weekend of Halloween -Shelby, Mel and myself. It was fun. It rained the whole freakin' time, but it didn't matter. I scored an awesome pair of flat black boots from Old Navy and it made walking in the rain a breeze. I would live in Seattle, especially during the summer.

November went by entirely too fast. Life seems to do that every day. Some days, I am very grateful, while others, I never want that day to end. November took Mel and me to NYC. We happened to be so incredibly lucky that Carolina was in NYC at the same time! Sadly, Walter left a few days before we arrived. We did some touristy stuff with Carolina and her friends and saw Chicago. Amazing. I am not a huge theatre buff, but that show was really intriguing. We went to Justin Timberlake's restaurant, after a fight about how much I don't like Asian food. Well, not really a fight, but it was funny. Do not force me to eat Asian food. Sadly, we had no idea that at the same exact time we were drinking Sweet Tea in Manhattan (who knew?!) JT was on SNL. What I would have given to be in that audience while he was prancing around in a leotard and heels. Geez. 

During this same month, we celebrated Mel's birthday. S'mores. This had to be the 5th time I've had them this year. I don't think I've had them 5 times in my life before this year. We played the Paper game (AKA Pass the Paper Pookie) and I was endlessly entertained. I set up a grid fire (Thanks to Sonny's incredible expertise and coaching) that was highly doubted. Those doubters became believers, let me tell you.

The worst part about November was that I lost a friend that I cared greatly about. I look back at it, and I still don't know how it happened. Logic and words refuse to combine into an explanation. I still grieve that friendship, but I think it may be in the morgue. If you read this, all I have to say is that I miss you more than you can imagine if you spent every minute of every day thinking about it. But, people choose to march out of your life when they are ready, and there's nothing you can do to stop them. 

Alas, we are to December. I forget everything I've done this month. I celebrated BK's 21st birthday with him - I love BK very much. We've been good friends ever since our road trip to Atlanta last Thanksgiving and I'm grateful for him. That same night I learned more about Myers Brigg from Walter than I ever thought I'd know. Sonny dropped theology bombs on me and my questions while Melissa attacked him and BK's canvas gift with her mad martial arts skills. I got in a fight with another of my best friends because of miscommunication and misunderstandings. We are resolving and I love her very much as well. I came to realize just how hard it is going to be to leave Orlando at the end of January. I'm very excited about my trip to Australia, but departing my community is a scary thought. Last night saw Jahred's return and a lovely winter (if you could call it that) evening on Kate's porch. I sat in the corner wrapped in a blanket and could come up with absolutely no better way to spend a Tuesday night. Tonight is going to be fantastic - coming into 2009 with a vengeance at Walter's amongst a million friends and family. We're gonna burn stuff. But don't you worry, we won't burn the house down: Walter has made sure of that.

Alecia: I have a lot of little memories of you, like wine under the stars over on Universal grounds, snappy UF comments every now and then (specifically a horrible weekend in October), hilarious FB references/arguments, etc. You're freaking fun. 

For all of the rest of you I didn't specifically mention, I love you, too. I hope to see you tonight. If you even made it this far. It was a LONG year.

Monday, December 29, 2008

the wind alone can whisper them back to you

the fire burned brightly
as the lighter lit
and relit
flames licking the lined paper

pages and pages of writings
of secrets and honest emotions
(contained in bold block letters for emphasis)

forced to repeatedly blow it out
so that it would not also destroy
the feelings i wanted to keep
those i may still choose to let see the light of day
and the pupils of your eyes

pieces of me were carried away amongst the ashes
but to be frank
at least part of me
took flight weeks ago
beneath a beautiful orange and pink sky
a fitting tribute:
the twilight afire during the continuous battle
of daylight and night

tragically radiant.

Monday, December 22, 2008


The word is overused. It's utterly lost the extraordinary truth that it contains within its 7 letters.

And yet, when you do something to experience it, the truth and the reality of the blessing it contains becomes

part of you.

You're bent, changed, altered, twisted just a little bit (or maybe a lot). You edge just a tiny step closer to God and give him just a little bit more control than you have before, than usual.

Every minute of every day I'm pondering how to run my life and be in charge. In management, it's called delegation. And in the brief encounters I have with my Soulmate, I find that although accomplishing freedom (that letting go) is difficult and counterintuitive, the reward is always shocking.

Because in letting go, you not only give up control of your own life,

but you also stop letting others control it.

And: you give it to the One who can use it best.

As Imogen Heap said: Let go, there's beauty in the breakdown.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Life Sings Her Beautiful Lullaby (but I don't yet want to sleep)

Pending departure,
Your fragrance has become significantly more potent
(incredibly luring)
I smelled it on the wind that rushed past my body
It lingered on my clothes and in my hair when I returned home.

The aroma of beauty and vulnerability
of friendships and love
The memories of our pasts
and desires for my future...
These came together in a rush
A symphony of immense proportions
Cymbals crashing, violins singing, flutes trilling and timpani rumbling
The utter crescendo of life!
Which then quieted into the most beautiful silence.

Yesterday the world looked more beautiful
More glorious than normal
One might contend it was the best weather of the year,
Or the basic presence of excitement,
But in my closing argument,
I would label it nothing less than love.

My beautiful friends,
It has always been clear
That there will be an Orlando-shaped hole in my heart come this winter.
But it has never been more obvious,
The magnificence that you have taught me
Through relationship, love, and accountability.

Is there a word for this feeling in my heart?
This overwhelming, overcoming appreciation for you and your part in my life?
To classify it as affection, happiness, adoration, longing, or sadness is a feeble attempt at absolute best;
These words combine into a shadowy, colorless, and shapeless drawing 
Instead of the bright beautiful colors containing the actual welling up in my soul.

I love you, dear friends.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Obsessed and Addicted

When I first heard of the Twilight series, I balked at it. I laughed at the movie trailers and anyone silly enough to go and see it.

Women I respected began to read these books, and I must have slightly let my guard down.
Then, two of my best friends willingly went to check out the movie. And loved it, not to mention the main vampire character: Edward Cullen. 

My wariness dropped even more. These were smart women, so I knew it couldn't be that bad (even though we definitely don't have the same disdain for chick flicks.) I agreed to see the movie based on the fact that they gave me a free ticket to do so. It was the only way I could be convinced to do it. And I did it.

And thus began the inevitable sucking into the Twilight Zone.

We watched the movie Friday night. I read the first of the four 500+ books in 5 hours Saturday. Sunday brought book 2, plus a second showing of the movie. Monday, feeling less than eager to work, I did the urgent work and saved the rest for later, reading the 3rd book instead. And finally, the 4th book was finished on Tuesday.

I woke up Wednesday morning, in a very blue mood. To say I had an obsession, an addiction, seemed like an understatement. The world seemed a little less colorful that day. I had been pulled into this fantasy world of vampires, werewolves, and perfect love. We had planned to go see the movie a 3rd time Wednesday night (who can resist Rob Pattinson's dreamy pale face?) but about halfway through the day, I hit the brick wall of reality.

Every girl I've known to read this series has become completely involved in these books (read: they have become her life for as long as it's taken to get through them.) While some may be able to obtain a safer distance than others (specifically, me), almost all of us read roughly 2200 - 2400 pages in a mere 4-7 days. Work, laundry, friends, God - all went forgotten. The only important thing was Edward (or Jacob for some). We became ensnared by this fantasy world. We were told lies and believed them. (SMART WOMEN!)

It's not just that Edward taps into the longing desire for perfect love that can only be filled by God - it's also that even this relationship with this Edward that seems so... perfect... is incredibly unhealthy. Jealousy, sneaking around, spending all their time together, forced sexuality (Jake, not Ed), etc is being pushed onto women. girls.

It really IS porn for women. It sells the lie that this is what love really is, when it's in no way representative of LOVE. The gaudy replica of the truth. It always sells SO well, and we never figure out why.

All of the people I know who are reading it are over 20 (adults) and its taken us a while to even realize how crazy we've become. But what does this say to the 12-17 year old girls, at which the book is specifically aimed? How can they be taught the reality of the world + healthy relationships by these books? Impossible. It's blinding.

Melissa also made an interesting point about the setting: the fact that we are asked to suspend our beliefs about reality in regard to the vampires and werewolves also makes it much easier to suspend our disbelief in the relationships as well. "It's okay that Edward is extremely drawn to Bella's blood and wants to kill her: how romantic!" Just insane. You are asked to believe that Edward's main draw to Bella is based on just a few things: her blood (#1), the fact that her mind is blocked to him (curiosity doesn't keep a relationship rolling very long), her klutziness, and her beauty.

For a 110+ year old vampire, I'd expect a bit higher standard. 

I realize that I might sound overboard or crazy. Maybe this series of books plays into my insecurities more than others. Maybe others can maintain their distance. But even so, there is something very distressing about the obsession with this series.

Saturday, November 29, 2008


I have decided upon a new experiment for as long as possible: Life without Facebook.

A cursory glance would indicate that this might be an easy task. It eliminates the distraction of walls, notes, friends, etc. The removal of FB provides more time for me to accomplish tasks I should be focusing upon, in place of FB. Relationships will be more intentional, as it's not quite as simple as logging on to my page any time of day or night and leaving me a message asking to hang out - you have to pursue at least a text message or phone call or (gasp!) an in person invite.

However, my social life might just suffer. Very few people remember to invite non-FB friends to events anymore. It's more of a hope-you-are-lucky-enough-to-hear-it-through-the-grapevine kind of thing. I'm okay with the fact that I might miss out on a few social events, though, because I am frequently overwhelmed by my social calendar anyway. And if it's an event I should really be at, I'm fairly certain someone will tell me in a manner other than facebook.

There are other reasons that I have opted to experiment with this, but they won't be disclosed here. I should admit that I'm not sure how long my will power is going to last, so I might be on as early as tonight. I should also give credit to my roommate Leslie Hege, who has been without Myspace and/or Facebook frequently without problems. She's my inspiration, at least in part.

I just got back to Orlando from Georgia this weekend. It was such an incredibly lovely 4 days at home. I always enjoy seeing my family and hanging out with my Georgian friends; however, this time was the most refreshing time spent out of Orlando in quite a while. Friendships here have lately been challenging and heartbreaking and work - to be expected, of course. I've struggled with being a good friend and finding good friends and loving well and being loved well. I went home to my family (who loves me fairly unconditionally) and my 2 best friends from college (who also are great at loving me despite my flaws) and several other people whom I love dearly. Being at home this week felt like sitting on the couch on a Sunday afternoon, drowsily watching an Audrey Hepburn movie after a fantastic night on the town the night before. It was comfortable and easy and required very little on my part (and I hope those who I spent time with!) 

As I spent time with these amazing friends/family of mine, I realized what was missing from some of my friendships here that have been frustrating lately. I am insecure, or else my friend is insecure, in the friendship. It's not completely understood that no matter what, we will be friends; no matter how your flaws come up or how we argue or disagree - we will be friends. There's not enough love, whether on my part or my friends (because there might be a little of both!).

I take responsibility for at least part of most of these unstable friendships and it's my goal to work as I can with God to change these insecurities on both ends. I think it involves me being more present in those friendships that need more stability and love. I think it involves the friend being willing to love me despite how flipping ugly I can be in certain situations, and vice versa.

So work with me if you will to make our friendships better and more unconditional (as much as we are able.) 

Love you guys. I want to feel as loved and refreshed in Orlando as I do in Atlanta, and I will strive to accomplish that goal! As for you people who already love me as I mentioned, thanks. Just THANKS.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008


Now, I will leave your life. There will be days that you will have a faint recollection of who I was and what I meant to you. It will be as if you woke after a long night’s sleep during which, at some point, you woke up intoxicated from a glorious dream. But you won’t be able to recall the details or the facial expressions or the laughter - only a passing and vague lifting feeling associated with the memory and dream. That’s what it will be like when I am done with you. You will forget that you ever cared what I thought. I will be gone.

Like the rains on the blacktop during the Florida summer heat.

Like the sound of an ambulance driving farther and farther away.

Like the beauty of a cut flower, wilting as the days pass.

Like the light as the sun passes the horizon and even dusk disappears.

Like the satellite in the night sky after the sun no longer reflects on its metal.

Sunday, September 28, 2008

T versus F

Sulking away,

Keeping to what's safe.

My heart is aghast at your language,

At your cowardice.

Step up, and be a man

Walk into what you deserve

Into what you're afraid of.

Be who you were ordained to be.

Stop playing it safe.

Walk into the fire and be ready to be burned.

You will realize very soon that burns heal,

But the scars will always remind you of true sacrifice and love.

It's what you've long searched for.

You've looked every minute, every day for understanding,

For logic to rule your decisions.

And in the face of feelings, 

You are lost, confused and broken.

Your logic cries out in the throes of feeling childbirth,

And it is only then you come to grips with the fact that your logic does you 





Give it up.

Wander away from this bondage to which you've voluntarily secured yourself.

Stride away from the ugliness of yesterday

And into the brilliance and promise of Today.

Of Tomorrow.

It takes only one commitment: 

One single step.

I'm there,

Past the line which has drawn all your focus and attention.

Once you take the step and pass the line, 

You'll see my face quite clearly on the other side.

And you shall know what is meant by peace. love. acceptance.

Monday, September 22, 2008

Anchors Away.

Floating atop an azure and glassy sea, the vessel happily bobs to and fro.
Beautiful and powerful, it boasts sails of strength that tell of conquests from which few survived to bear witness.
Those few rarely reveal their tales anyway.
Its current location at the dock is well deserved after a perilous and heart-wrenching journey.

The ship begins to drift away from the security of the town.
The local townspeople do not notice its slow departure.
But the next morning, when the ship is barely visible upon the horizon, they wonder why it left.
The gossip in town was that the boat was not set to depart for more than a month, but the reality did not meet the tales.

The answers upon the boat were no more clear, until the anchor was discovered to have been severed.
Gone, without a telling trace.
The crew, quite saddened by their sudden and unexpected lack of stability, is downtrodden.
The skies around them have grown dark and cold - ghostly in appearance.
The color of the world has left them: only blues, grays, and blacks are found.

Even the captain himself can no longer offer words of encouragement.
He is melancholy and silent, and frequently withdrawn into his hold.

Day after day, the ship sails on, into nothingness.
The men have given up on a destination, for all their supplies were unloaded onto the dock.
The hunger and hopelessness is obvious and leaves a desolate taste in their mouths.

When you've lost your anchor, to what must you cling?
Passing driftwood does no good, nor does the ship itself.

No, the only way into the color-filled world again is to find the anchor you lost and restore it to its rightful place.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

What It Takes.

Sometimes, it takes a drastic, dramatic event to make you accept and embrace a change in perception.
Sometimes, it takes only 1 word. 
Sometimes, it takes him telling you 1,000 times that you are beautiful before you believe he means his words. 
Sometimes, it takes only a kiss for you to believe it. 
Sometimes, it takes walking away from the one thing you know to learn how to fly. 
Sometimes, it takes only the help of your friends. 
Sometimes, it takes masks and faux grins to survive the gauntlet. 
Sometimes, it takes only a genuine smile and an open heart.  

Sometimes, it takes hearing a song more than once before you cherish it. 
Sometimes, it takes only one spin before your heart explodes in its presence. 
Sometimes, it takes a near death experience to take each hour seriously.
Sometimes, it takes only known pending death. 
Sometimes, it takes thinking to make the best decision. 
Sometimes, it takes only instinct.  

And sometimes, it takes love to break the walls down you've built up. 
Scratch that: it always requires love. 

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Golden Words

You, there, with your golden words.
Jail them.
Incarceration is required for the crimes committed. 

They are no longer any use to me whatsoever! I cannot stand for even a moment longer to hear them dribble out of your mouth as casually as a sunny summer day. 

They have the substance of a glass bubble - fragile.
They have the falseness of playboy - actions mismatched.
They have the oiliness of a greaser - slick as can be.

wrapped around my mind
you've trapped me here and I hate you for it.
and now you cannot hear my own?

I'll bury your gold,
So deep that they'll search for it as the treasures of old.
But I won't leave them a map.
They will be hidden in the darkest part of the earth,
Where none will ever traverse.

And to my neighbors and friends: don't search for these nuggets.
They've not the value you think;
Turning to dust in your hand,
Blowing away in the wind.
Physically gone, but retained eternally in your memory.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

"In the mourning I can see the light"

"I never thought you'd leave."

These surprising words were uttered in the depth of the night, long after the chaos of the bars had quieted. 

It was said bluntly in a moment of drunkenness - though I must allow that the intoxication may have been from the truthfulness and honesty of our conversation. Something with which you seem unfamiliar, and which can certainly bring an attachment of sorts. Confessions and laughter and tears and silence combined into a menagerie of acceptance.

We dove farther and farther into this beautiful and freeing conversation - areas we had not ever traversed before - bringing an intimacy that was peaceful and heady. The hours, as usual, passed far too quickly, but I immersed my soul in you for those few minutes I was allowed.

And as the sun rose again, the world seemed entirely different, even though it looked just as we left it the night before.
Pulling myself out of the waters of confusion, mourning and grieving over the dead body washed ashore,
I came to the frank realization that everything had changed.
But the world LOOKED the same. 

Obviously, it was only my heart that changed.
My heart and my mind - they were charmed for a night by ideas wrapped around potential...
But they were brought back screaming and kicking to the harsh sunlight of early morning.
They weren't accepting of the old surroundings any longer.

Once again, I paste on my plastic smile of normalcy and the garish makeup of faux peace, and wander back into the streets, where I surely will encounter you again, and soon.

And you will try to pretend we haven't changed,
But I will look deep into your eyes and see the difference in your soul.
It's the only bit of hope I have left.

Monday, August 18, 2008

CHASING your ghost, yet again...

Where did you go? I turned around for just a second and, now, you are just... GONE. My eyes are stretching to see as far as they can, which isn't far enough to locate you - your body. My soul is searching near and far and anywhere it's seen you before, but it's not far enough to locate you - your spirit.

My heart drops and my eyes water and I wonder at the meaning of our separation. Was it me? Did I push you away so far that you never found the right path to bring you back? Was it you? Did you run away because your fears overcame you and your nomadic tendencies are now in control? Was it fate? We were separated because the gods never intended for us to know each other past this dot on the timeline of life?

The questions continue to come and my heart knows no answers. In its age, it's garnered wisdom and strength, but in this moment, the two goddesses have fled the body, leaving me to deal with this only in my mind with my logic.  

I'm done. I want to be done with the idea of you. But even so, you creep into my mind every now and then, passing through my eyes and my ears into the deepest parts. The blackest parts with the hidden doors that are locked, sealed, and shut so that no one could possibly ever locate them. And now you've determined to squat there, dwelling inside places you were never intended to go.

One day, I swear that I will never think of you again.

Saturday, August 9, 2008

The Silence of the Rooftop.

The silence of the rooftop.

It shall never acclaim the serious and light-hearted conversations it overhead as we lay atop it. Talking of dreams and hopes and desires and wonders and questions and answers and life and then... silence.

But the silence was sometimes even more beautiful and glorious and pleasant than all the meaningful and meaningless letters organized into words and then sentences. The silence alone was worth the entire trip I made to see you. Something about the comfort level and familiarity was reassuring and knowing and... well, I can only compare it to a vague understanding of the Peace of God.


So we watched the spotlights circle and the sounds of the chopper flying overhead. We pretended and laughed and made up stories of Bonnie and Clyde - we became them and we were the source of this chase. I loved every millisecond of it. There is something about the collision of us, the joining of us, the misled hearts and minds and creativity and wonder that we bring together that is


And as always, the bandits Time and Change arrived so very quickly, showing us that as Bonnie and Clyde we knew nothing of thievery. They took everything we had and so much more that we didn’t understand then. Nothing was the same after that. Our laughter slowed and the space between grew and we always wonder whether it was fate or a grand mistake that they found us so quickly.

They swore to come back again should we talk about them, and I heard of a nearby incident last night that brought them back to mind.

They were right down the street.

So now, I ask you, do we pretend that they don’t exist, talking not of them and giving them all the control...


Do we grab our guns, put on our war paint, smirk at each other and attack the two thieves, catching them by surprise?

You know my choice. It’s the same every time. I am not one to shirk from the gunfire, friend, so meet me on the battlefield.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Black Widows versus Beauties.

One day, you’re gonna look at the past...

You’re going to wonder:

What the fuck did I do?

How could I possibly have been so ignorant?

You’re going to look at the girls:

Those bitches who broke your heart

Without a second thought.
Those black widows who stole your soul

Without blinking.

You’ll regret those girls, intensely. 

But even more-so:

You’re going to remember the ones you walked by;

The ones you treated as dispensable. 


The women who loved you for you.

The beauties who weren’t as flashy,

Who weren’t as dramatic,

Who weren’t drawn in such bold colors.

And you will feel this cut to your soul

Much, much more than the ones who hurt you.

Regret and remorse will overtake you

At the point you come to realize

The deep, deep pit you’ve locked yourself in.

It’s certain you will run from that pit,

Falling into the one next door.

Until you learn

And acknowledge your depravity.

You may change,

But the house is betting you will not.

And the house ALWAYS wins.

How do I know, you ask?

Because you look into the mirror,

Studying yourself deeply,

And both you and I see...


But at least I'm aware of my depravity.

Saturday, June 14, 2008

Gone, Baby, Gone.

Some people are too nice.
Some, too mean.
Where is the middle?
Where is the understanding?
Why does the phone ring in the middle of the night?

It's ringing for you,
And it's never good news:
Come to tell you of the world,
Of the evil within.

Live another day, my love.
Hope for something better.
It will come.
But it may not be in this life.

For eternity is not yet.
Eternity feels so.... so far away.
It almost seems. Unattainable?
But - we're told it's worth it.
In our fast food society, can we hold out?
Can we wait for what's better??

Thank you for your strength.
Without it, I would be nothing.
Thank you for your beauty.
Without it, I would be lost.
Thank you for your wonder.
Without it, I would be small.

We will wait.
This world contains tiny packets of the future: good.
But we long, hope, and are destined for so much more.

Thursday, June 12, 2008


Are you a photocopy of someone else?
Do you constantly watch other people and mimic?
Do you have any idea who you are, or do you let other people define you?

Our generation is one of trends.
Very few people are trendsetters;
Most are followers.

And not everyone can be first to a new idea...
But everyone IS unique.
I think that many of us tend to forget that to look different is to be beautiful.

To know who you are,
To love who you are,
To be confident in who you are,
Especially in the face of conflict or adversity?

That is...

That. is. Freedom.

Toss off those chains,
Because a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy
Tends to be too blurry.
Or look like Bill Murray.

(FYI: That was a completely unintentional rhyme. But it works.)

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

What dolphins teach us about love...

One recent evening, after seeing OneRepublic in concert, I had an interesting conversation with my girl friends. Somehow, we were on the topic of their experiences in swimming with dolphins.

I can't personally relate to this, as I've never done it. Nonetheless, some eyebrow-raising judgments arose from these stories. Well, their eyebrows rose - it made perfect sense to me.

Leslie swam with dolphins in the Keys. She said they were incredibly friendly and loving. The entire experience was just as she expected - as I think we all expect. You know, riding around on the back of a dolphin with our arms spread wide, our thighs held tight and a super-fake-movie smile plastered on our faces.

That type of happy.

Melissa, on the other hand, had a rougher experience in swimming with Dolphins in Tanzania. While on a business trip (I think), she decided that she wanted to experience the love of dolphins as well.

But... instead the dolphins were rough. I remember her saying something along the lines of, "I expected to be grabbing on to their fins and being whisked around while they swam. But it was more like trying to grab onto them as they swam by at lightning fast speeds. They weren't easy to catch and they weren't as friendly as they are typically portrayed."

My immediate comments were regarding romanticized love. I think this stemmed from the fact that we have had several conversations about my cynicism since Leslie moved in, specifically surrounding chick flicks. I, as a general rule, detest chick flicks because they set up such unreal expectations for women in regard to love.

Life doesn't end happily ever after. (I mean seriously, even in Enchanted - in which Disney makes fun of itself and its illogical ideas - the FREAKING MOVIE ENDS HAPPILY EVER AFTER!)

And you can argue, if you like, that it's just a story or just a movie: But I swear to you, these ideas get embedded in our minds as women. And when 'real' men don't add up, it certainly causes some type of tension.

Just a closing thought about chick flicks: I think they depress me because they give me this idea that my life sucks because it isn't like that pretty girl's life in the movie. Maybe I should know better - that this is mere fiction - but it doesn't sit that way with my soul.

So, back to the dolphins. 

I found it entertaining (and lucky for me, quite fitting for my cynicism) that the American dolphins were the fun, friendly, lovey-dovey dolphins, while the African dolphins were not. My exact words were, "American dolphins represent chick flicks and American ideas of love. The African dolphins - now that's the real world." 

Consider the parallel. You walk away from your American experience feeling in love and great about yourself. The animals are so lovely and loving and sweet and probably even gave you a kiss on the way out. Just as their way of saying, goodnight. Oh, and thanks for coming.

Melissa, in her African experience, was reminded that things are not always as they seem. In real life, people are too busy for each other (a sad truth). They rush by each other, forgetting to invest daily in their relationship. In real life, people are portrayed as one thing, but often end up being something else. To be honest, that's true for love, too. America has built up this idea of what love should look like, but to be certain - it's only infatuation. We have a severe problem with this infatuation. When things eventually settle down into the opportunity for true, unselfish love - people run. That type of love is just scary. And hard. And selfless. 

Most people don't want to invest. 

Thus, my synopsis is this: if you want a glimpse of the real world and feisty dolphins, go to Africa. If you like chick flicks and happy-go-lucky dolphins, stay in America.

(Disclaimer: if you don't know me well, I was laughing hysterically as this came to pass. I certainly, at least halfheartedly, meant part of what I was saying. But it was also in jest.)

Monday, June 9, 2008

Looking backwards through a kaleidoscope.


We often turn it around, seeing things only from our own angle.

But we are the ones who abandon.
Running into our 'freedom'.

Oh, 'freedom' - it ain't so free after all!

Issues with authority.
Self sufficiency.
We are quite brilliant.

Or so we think.
"Can anyone really know what's best for me, other than me?"
Our warped mindset is at least somewhat the result of our bizarre society.

I find it humourous that we consider God's Kingdom 'backwards.'
Rather, it surely must be the other way around!


About Me

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I live amongst the dragons and the warriors of the 21st century. I surround myself with both the peasants, the aristocrats; the knights and the maidens. For a long time (now quite in the past), I wove the structure of my life around the mold others saw for me. I've since learned to live for God and myself. Freedom comes and goes as I remember this lesson of mine. But my life is MY life: a series of events and remembering such. And this, this beautiful montage, is why I wake up every morning. God willing.