Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Things I Have Lost

- My favorite ring, purchased from Seattle when I visited there this summer with my mom. The ring is nice and all, but what I truly lost is the memories aroused by said ring.
- My childhood innocence. It has turned into cynicism and doubt. The good news is that I'm softening up a bit - but I've a long road to travel.
- My 2 favorite cats ever: Bonnie and Clyde, later nicknamed Sissy and Pooh-Bear. We got them when I was 12 - they saw a divorce, 3 graduations, a Navy enrollment, an engagement breakup, the birth of a beautiful nephew, and so much more. I miss them forever.
- A fiance. Well, let's be honest - I know exactly where he is. But I lost the relationship and the intimacy of a long-term relationship. It was absolutely for the best, but I do miss the bonuses of a relationship like that.
- Most of my ability to converse in French. I remember words, improper conjugations, etc.
- My college photographs. I need to search the attic. Thanks to digital photography, storage of newer photographs is much easier.
- Self-consciousness. I have grown more comfortable with the woman I am, physically and personally. Like anyone, I am insecure. And I think of improvement all the time - praying for it, actually. But I do like who I am. ENTJ criticism and all.
- Memories of my childhood. This is by far my saddest loss. For some reason, I don't remember a good deal of growing up. I can remember stories, once mentioned, but I don't have the ability to quickly recall those times of happiness, sadness, anger, mundane-ness, etc. I wish I had journaled, like Mel.
- The worst Sorry game in the history of the world. Sorry is a child's game that is intended to destroy relationships. I am a bad sport. Add to the game a sister and nephew who hinder their ability to win in order to send me 'home' and you have a recipe for an explosion. I'm so embarrassed, in a funny way. Humility. This is something I need to GAIN.
- My ability to feel at home in solitude. I'm recovering this quickly, thanks to my trip to Georgia.
- My home. I am a vagabond right now - sleeping in random beds and on various couches until... I don't know when. It's strange to be so dependent on others, and the flexibility is a challenge.
- My grandfather. He is still alive, but he is in the early stages of dementia. He is too stubborn to have the proper surgery to lengthen his life, and so he continues to deteriorate. I have him to thank for my teasing tendencies. He was a great man, fallen as he was.
- My imagination and ability to be easily entertained. I spent yesterday morning with Kyla, a vivacious and wild (almost) 2 year old who I claim to be the godmother of. Jessie and Matt haven't acquiesced to my request yet :) She hid behind a fern, only to pop out after I asked the question, "Where is Kyla?" in a singsong voice. We must have done this 20 times and she never grew bored with it. I long for this part of childhood: the wonder, the awe, the magic.
- My interest in superficial relationships. Being apart from your community for several weeks gives you the blessing of knowing who your real friends are, and who you have time for, and who you care about, and who you relate to, etc. It's nice to see people once a week and say hello... but the true friendships are those I want to invest heavily in. The rest are a byproduct of a large community. It's truth, even if it's blunt.
- My love for Edward Cullen. I just write this for pure entertainment. There are things about fictional characters that draw me to them, whether male or female. I obsessed over Eddie C for a while - I admit - but he's not my role model for men. Robbie Pattinson is adorable. I have now, however, moved on to Hugh Jackman as the Drovah. A man's man. A woman's man. A man who lives the life he believes in even if he becomes an outcast as the result of his associations. DROVAH! 

What have you lost?

Monday, February 16, 2009


Friendship is often forged,
Fabricated as a result of like circumstances
Contrived from similar interests
Constructed due to the mere ease of it all.

Occasionally these effortless friendships
Outrun the duration of the likeness
But it seems that they often instead
Fall aside as conveniently as they arose.

And yet, the friendships that I crave
Are far beyond the circumstances,
Based rather in the true meeting of the souls involved:
Pure acceptance and love and truthfulness.

And as our worlds begin to revolve,
Orbit around different stars
The friendships adapt, evolve
The golden, shimmery strings of connection

Simultaneously loosen and tighten, 
Allowing freedom while maintaining intimacy.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Your Absence Makes My Heart Grow Fonder

Where are you? Inspiration that used to flourish, creative flower that used to radiate her fantastic words into my mind, fleeting pixie with endless energy - you have left, departed my soul, returned to your birthplace in that distant land.

I've searched every inch of my timeworn heart for you, but you left no trace of your past love for me. I have to be frank, to admit that I didn't notice your absence immediately. But they say that absence makes the heart grow fonder! Oh, how mine did and still does. I miss the soft mornings I spent with you, keys chattering like a five year old's teeth on a blustery, snowy morn. I miss the late nights, lying in bed, writing your words in my head. How I would snort in disgust at you for demanding I arise and capture your beauty just then! You always threatened me with forgetfulness. Instead, I wanted to pull the pillow over my head to drown out your alluring, captivating voice to catch a few z's.

Yet I now long for the darkened midnight that I can awake from a deepened sleep to find your tiny breath upon my face, caressing my thoughts and mind in your skillful manner.

Please come home. We can share?

About Me

My photo
I live amongst the dragons and the warriors of the 21st century. I surround myself with both the peasants, the aristocrats; the knights and the maidens. For a long time (now quite in the past), I wove the structure of my life around the mold others saw for me. I've since learned to live for God and myself. Freedom comes and goes as I remember this lesson of mine. But my life is MY life: a series of events and remembering such. And this, this beautiful montage, is why I wake up every morning. God willing.