Tuesday, January 20, 2009

13 days and counting.

I find myself witness to and partaking in many conversations about vulnerability and relationships lately. Definition. Clarity. Responsibilities. Owning up. Honesty and Truth. Love. Rejection. Frustration. Miscommunication.

I'm sometimes astounded at the lack of communication that takes place between friends, colleagues, lovers. Of course it's not natural to seek conflict, to cherish it, to revel in it. We must overcome our tendencies to dislike conflict and be open and honest about our emotions and our perceptions. Perception is reality, as some say, and to not be aware of the other's real view of the situation is a disadvantage. It causes one to look at a situation analytically and/or through the lens of their own bias, their own life experiences. The truth is white, but we all perceive it to be a random shade of an entirely different color.

Scientists say that memories are recreated each time we remember them. According to these, the less a memory is remembered, the more accurate the memory remains. Should I remember something 100 times in 20 years, it will surely be different in my memory than the past reality. One of the reasons for this is perception. When I was 7 (20 years ago), I did not apply my cynicism or my ability to abstractly reason or my hurt pride to the memory. I was innocent then, seeing things through a beautiful set of naive eyes. But 20 years later, as I think of the same memory, I remember differently because of my personal learning over this set of years.

And so it is with conflict.

There are times that conflict cannot be resolved, reconciled. And for that, we must abandon the situation entirely. By entirely, I mean forgiveness, of course. Letting go of bitterness and hurt and self pity and (righteous or not) anger. Until then, we are captives in our own prison (mind you, the chains and jail cells are imaginary.)

On to vulnerability and rejection. They seem to be a couple, both which terrify most people. Both, however, provide room for growth, for learning, for experience. Life is not about everything going our way. Life is about failure sometimes. Failure, in my logical opinion (though my emotions do not always agree), is success. You cannot learn of humility until you have failed. You cannot learn the way of freedom until your fear of failure has departed. You cannot learn to love yourself until failure is accomplished, experienced, and most importantly, accepted. Admired, even?

I am terrified, at times, to put feelings on the table. Part of me thinks it is not my responsibility, as it applies to a male/female relationship. Part of it is that I tend to go for the guys who are just as insecure and scared as I am to admit to vulnerability and allow for rejection. 


It's illogical, to consider these relationships safe, but when you consider the lack of responsibility: safe.

Now this does apply to me currently, but to be frank, the emotions/attractions are not quite legit enough to require a discussion. Coupled with the fact that I've got 13 days left in Orlando and I'm not desiring any sort of relationship while I am abroad, I do not have to face these demons just yet.

What I'm left fighting, instead, is my tendency to require so little from a man. 

It's the bloodiest battlefield I've seen in some time, and to walk away only an amputee would be considered victory.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

devilish smile

if i close my eyes
will you disappear
if i turn up 'find me to forgive' 
and hit repeat 1 on the iphone
can i drown out your voice

if i turn my back on your person
will i be able to ignore your reflection in the eyes that stare at me
if i distract myself with enough fun
can i act as if you don't exist

will i be able to forget
those words you easily mumbled in the darkness,
the drunkenness
(intoxication of many levels)
the moment

i have shut my eyes
i have deafened my ears
i have blocked you out
i have let you go

but your smile might sneak you back in
Sometimes a girl needs a good kick in the ass. It's usually when she gets a silly idea stuck in her head, like a scratched record repeating the same line, and then begins to believe that those ideas are... intelligent? true? honorable? 

"They're both unique and amazing and interesting in their own way, but what it really boils down (when you're interested/wanting to date someone) to is how they treat YOU.  While both of them have their own set of pros and cons, how they treat you is unequivocally the most important deciding factor. Because this also reveals to me not only what they think about you, what you really think about yourself and what you actually want out of a relationship."

Really. If you don't have friends like this, you need to get them.

About Me

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I live amongst the dragons and the warriors of the 21st century. I surround myself with both the peasants, the aristocrats; the knights and the maidens. For a long time (now quite in the past), I wove the structure of my life around the mold others saw for me. I've since learned to live for God and myself. Freedom comes and goes as I remember this lesson of mine. But my life is MY life: a series of events and remembering such. And this, this beautiful montage, is why I wake up every morning. God willing.