13 days and counting.

I find myself witness to and partaking in many conversations about vulnerability and relationships lately. Definition. Clarity. Responsibilities. Owning up. Honesty and Truth. Love. Rejection. Frustration. Miscommunication.

I'm sometimes astounded at the lack of communication that takes place between friends, colleagues, lovers. Of course it's not natural to seek conflict, to cherish it, to revel in it. We must overcome our tendencies to dislike conflict and be open and honest about our emotions and our perceptions. Perception is reality, as some say, and to not be aware of the other's real view of the situation is a disadvantage. It causes one to look at a situation analytically and/or through the lens of their own bias, their own life experiences. The truth is white, but we all perceive it to be a random shade of an entirely different color.

Scientists say that memories are recreated each time we remember them. According to these, the less a memory is remembered, the more accurate the memory remains. Should I remember something 100 times in 20 years, it will surely be different in my memory than the past reality. One of the reasons for this is perception. When I was 7 (20 years ago), I did not apply my cynicism or my ability to abstractly reason or my hurt pride to the memory. I was innocent then, seeing things through a beautiful set of naive eyes. But 20 years later, as I think of the same memory, I remember differently because of my personal learning over this set of years.

And so it is with conflict.

There are times that conflict cannot be resolved, reconciled. And for that, we must abandon the situation entirely. By entirely, I mean forgiveness, of course. Letting go of bitterness and hurt and self pity and (righteous or not) anger. Until then, we are captives in our own prison (mind you, the chains and jail cells are imaginary.)

On to vulnerability and rejection. They seem to be a couple, both which terrify most people. Both, however, provide room for growth, for learning, for experience. Life is not about everything going our way. Life is about failure sometimes. Failure, in my logical opinion (though my emotions do not always agree), is success. You cannot learn of humility until you have failed. You cannot learn the way of freedom until your fear of failure has departed. You cannot learn to love yourself until failure is accomplished, experienced, and most importantly, accepted. Admired, even?

I am terrified, at times, to put feelings on the table. Part of me thinks it is not my responsibility, as it applies to a male/female relationship. Part of it is that I tend to go for the guys who are just as insecure and scared as I am to admit to vulnerability and allow for rejection. 

Safe.

It's illogical, to consider these relationships safe, but when you consider the lack of responsibility: safe.

Now this does apply to me currently, but to be frank, the emotions/attractions are not quite legit enough to require a discussion. Coupled with the fact that I've got 13 days left in Orlando and I'm not desiring any sort of relationship while I am abroad, I do not have to face these demons just yet.

What I'm left fighting, instead, is my tendency to require so little from a man. 

It's the bloodiest battlefield I've seen in some time, and to walk away only an amputee would be considered victory.